Pentecost +8 or Community Practice 8
August 3, 2014
A dilemma of a "weeping executioner": my internals and externals still aren't matching up. Neither my solitary weeping nor my public execution of duties resolves my plight.
Oh how I wish I could assist those being harmed without losing my job. I'm more compassionate in my job than others even if my job is to not be compassionate. And if I lose my job there are those who are dependent upon me and I will be letting them down, which isn't fair.
Oh how I wish I could resolve the harm being done by me without the reality that if I withhold my hand someone else will take my place and I will be the one to whom harm is done.
Oh how I wish I could get beyond wishing and have an analysis of the situation that wasn't so small. As it is I can't really see beyond myself and, if I could, that would be even more scary than staying in this place of cognitive and emotional dissonance.
It seems all that is left are pieces of left-overs. I am one of those pieces left lying around after a great thing has passed by. Yes, I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart! It is either tomorrow or suicide.